Legion Movie

SO! (also please note im not a religous person... if you dont like it dont fucking read cus i make a LOT of god slandering jokes)

It opens with someone tlaking... boring, get to the part where action happens! but nope... they take their time... we see someone drop out of the sky, in the rain... how original... then proceeds to, not kidding, stab himself! wow... actually it turns out he was cutting off a collar... um... god seems to be a bit of a prick that way! So this is micheal, our 'hero' and whats the first thing he does? breaks into a gun shop where, dead serious, the guns are LOADED and on display... not even locked up! i guess 9/11 means nothing to anyone anymore! So after he steals all these guns he gets caught by some cops, he threatens to kill one and then the other gets possessed by god who... um... makes him grow fangs... and gives him eyeshadow... wtf? so after they talk some more god says he has to die and, get this, CANT HIT HIM!!! isnt this god? you know... creaator of everything? why cant he aim? oh well... so after that we get... more tlaking... and more talking... and an old lady walks into a diner in the middle of the desert and... talks... my god... this is fucking boring... wheres the evil physcotic god who wants to kill all of mankind? i dunno... the old lady keeps talking and as she does she slowly um... gets eyeshadow... and then attacks and kills one of the people in the diner, they try to rush him to a hospital but it turns out they cant because flies are blocking their way! wait what? flies? are you serious? FLIES? ... HELLOOOOOOO??? LOGIC???? ARE YOU THERE???
*grumbles*
so... after they run in fear of the flies they are back in the diner where micheal shows up and… talks… STOP FUCKING TALKING!!! DO SOMETHING!!!! So after they talk some more… a bunhc of people show up and… stand there… and they keep standing there until the worlds scariest ice cream man shows up. He gets out of his truck and stands up in front… oh nuuu! Turns out the worlds scariest ice cream man is Mr. Fantastic as his arms and legs grow several feet longer and he attacks the people… alright! An action scene right? Nope! They just expend about half their ammo to kill him… regardles of the fact that once shot could have done it with no problems… but I digress, they see a whole bunch of cars start coming and they start shooting and shooting and shooting, stuff blows up, they talk some more, then micheal FINALLY explains whats going on, according to micheal god has lost faith in mankind and has decided to kill them all… by um… by having his angels possess people… um… ok… then he tells them that they want to kill the woman first because her son will save all mankind… wait… you mean like… in the bible their was a guy named jesus who did that? Wasn’t he gods son? Jeese… I thought –I- had bad parents… Why does god want to kill his own son? Did he do something bad? Is this just his way of punishing him? Is it a passtime? Actually… I could see that happening…
God: Jesus Christ im bored… go impregnate some random slut withyourself so I can kill you!
Jesus: Oh come on! Do I have to?
God: IM THE FUCKING LORD ALMIGHTY DAMN IT!!! DO AS I SAY!!! *lighting crashes*
Jesus: Ok ok… jeese… do I have to be crucified this time?
God: Naw… lets do this terminator style, ill try to kill you before your born by sending something to kill you, and your only hope is someone you dont know and don’t get to pick!
Jesus: Sounds good!

Yeah… ok so all the possessed people hide in the desert and after a few days of no attacks the power comes back on and they assume everything is back under control, a random family pulls up to the diner they are hiding in and starts to refuel their car, then –shockingly- the family is attacked by the possessed people! One of the survivors tries to help but after he saves a little boy we get a moment that was ripped off from spaceballs! The kid as it turns out was just a possessed person PRETENDING to be a normal person! He bites the guy on the neck and he dies, another survivor thinks she can save him and jumps off the roof to try and help, she manages to kill all the possessed around her and is about to kill the kid but is out of bullets the kid talks in hellish voiceover and says hes going to kill her now, she locks herself in the van they came in and micheal goes out and… lights it on fire… wow hes a douche! Ok so he saves her and locks everyone back inside, the power suddenly fails again and when they get around to finding flashlights again they discover the little possessed boy is inside, he attacks the pregnant woman with a knife which I guess induces her labor... and then they kill him… I think… I dunno I never actually SAW him die I just assume he did. So finally, it seems like its all over the child is born and all the possessed um… cover their ears? I dunno its almost over… so suddenly after the child is born the earth seems to shake and rumble, micheal confesses that he was supposed to kill the child but couldn’t do it and also reveals that the possessed cant go… near the… child… what… the… FUCK??? NO, NONONONONO, EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, THE WHOLE MOVIE THE POSSESSED TRIED TO KILL THE MOTHER, BUT THEY ARNET ALLOWD NEAR THE CHILD, THE CHILD IS IN THE MOTHER, SO THEY CANT GO NEAR HER EITHER FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!
*takes a deep breath*
Ok… so… after THAT plot hole is revealed… it turns out god has sent gabriel to kill them all, answer me this… why does god not juts use his powers to kill them? Hes GOD, did he just forget how to use his powers? Is his aim just that bad he cant hit them? Couldn’t he just snap his fingers and kill everyone on earth just like that? Seriously… what is this, a fucking game to him? Anyways… while the mother and the remaining survivors run away gabriel and micheal duke it out! FINALLY ACTION!!! Or is it? To be honest this would be a good scene… cept micheal fights mostly with a gun and I guess gabriel is invincible… so after micheal dies and fades into a bright light one of the survivors blows up the diner, all the infected, and gabriel! FINALLY! *gets up out of my chair* oh wait… *sits back down and sighs* while driving away the survivors are attacked and killed off by gabriel who survived the explosion… somehow this baby of less then an hour survives the attack with his mother and some guy who got a magical tattoo from micheal, they start fighting, when it seems gabriel is about to kill them all finally… micheal shows up… as an angel… huh… I guess god wasn’t that mad that he disobeyed a direct order to kill, slaughtered his army of posseseed people, attacked gabriel, and personally escorted a group of people to safety! So they fight, the girl, her baby, and the tattoo guy escape and the movie ends with tme looking out over a sunset and a burning town… wtf?

So… yeah… this movie was weird and boring, now I think that’s cus I wathced it only with really bad quality, that may have something to do with it, but still… all they do is talk, the action scenes are boring, and its full of religious blasphemy (I like that part)!