Silent Hill Movie

Silent Hill…

Lemme first say, this is a very decent representation of what is sai dot be the scariest game ever made, just one problem… THIS MOVIE ISNT FUCKING SCARY! It’s mildy creepy, but I will admit it does have one or two moments that go into the totally fucked up department! So this horrific tale of horror starts with… two people running and shouting Sharon… *waves arms in the air* AAAAAAH!!! They find their daughter on the edge of a cliff and they grab her making what looks like a flaming cross appear in the background (it looked to me like it just appeared, maybe it was there the whole time but I dunno)and she begins to cry out ‘silent hill, Silent Hill, SILENT HILL!!’ … AAAAH!!

So after doing some research sharons mother finds out the whole town was burned to the ground and there are still fires burning in the underground coal mines filling the town with poisonous gas, and being the good mother she is, she runs away from a cop and brings her daughter there! WOW! I SO want a mother like THAT! (although to be honest it would be an improvement to my own) So the father calls them and says it’s a bad idea but gets ignored, they arrive in this strange town and… maybe I blinked but I guess they got in a minor accident or something because the mother was knocked unconcious and the daughter disappeared… it’s never really explained how or why she disappeared but her mother stayed… anyways, the mother leaves the saftey of her vehicle, why she doesn’t use it to look for her daughter I’ll never know, and goes running around town discovering that what she thgouht was snow falling was actually ash, that’s original havnt seen that before in a movie have we? Not in any… holocust based movies… like… shindlers list?
But I’ll forgive this very insensitve cinema moment to finish this movie, she follows a girl who she swears is her daughter until she reaches a storne stairwell covered in rust and is all slippery and has no light source… this alone should have set off the warning bells in her head because what little girl of what… 8? (her age isnt given) has the guts to walk down a dark stariway into an unlit basement? But her mother is fucking retarded and goes down anyways, an airraid siren goes off and suddenly plunges the town into utter darkness… again… this should have set off the warning bells… lets pause and recap, this women calls herself a good mother because she takes her daughter to a town filled with poison gas, snowing ashes, has no visible people in it, has random airraid sirens going off and has loads of dark basements with slippery staris…

ok so… she explores the darkeness for a while and finds a body that appears to have been crucified on a fence underground and is attacked by… um… little black things… I honestly don’t have a joke for that… how do you make fun of… whatever they are? They are little black things that gasp and cry… oh wait! They are covered in black and cry a lot! THEY’RE MINIEMOS!!! *beams* yeaaaaaaah! *clears throat* so um… the siren goes off again and the miniemos disappear. She wakes up in a… bowling alley… with a song about fires playing… *waves arms* AHHH! Yeah… not scary in the least so far… so she decides to looking around some more but suddenly discovers that the road has vanished and has been replaced by a cliffs edge… there she meets an insane women, she asks this crazy women who cant even talk strait if shes seen her daughter the crazy women suddenly gets crazier and claims that that’s HER daughter!

The mother immedietly runs away from the crazy women and she FINALLY decides that DRIVING in a mysterious town that she knows nothing about would be safer and goes back to her car and gets arrested by the cop from earlier who is… the most fucking retarded cop in the world… she arrests the mother, THEN TRIES TO LEAVE WITHOUT FINDING HER DAUGHTER! Bitch! They start walking to the supposed station that’s on the other side of the town only to find, oh yeah THE CLIFF, the cop who still seems to be on stupid pills gets attacked by… a faceless, armless, and all around featurless… THING! That spits acid, sounds like my art teacher… the mother takes advantage of this moment and runs, and again, looks in all the wrong places by going to the school, WHAT SCHOOL AGE GIRL WOULD WILLINGLY GO TO SCHOOL? *grumbles* in the school she starts getting pursued by people who look like they were survivors of a nuclear holocust… do they ever explain why they wear tese weird suits? I think you put too much credit in these people… She locks herself in a bathroom, a bathroom of all places! Where she finds probably the only scary thing in the movie, a corpse tied up and hung in a stall by barbed wire with a note, written to her, reading: “Dare you, Dare you, Double dare you!” with an arrow pointing to the mouth… oh yeah… I’d totally stick my fingers in the mouth of THAT THING after being attacked by miniemos and acid spitting things! But again… being the stupid bitch she is she does it, then the siren goes off again and plunges the town into darkness…

meanwhile, during all of the previous events the father and the rest of the police force makes their way to silent hillto find… an empty vehicle, no ash falling, no mist, no sirens, and no… THINGS! Which makes no sense… the father decides that the police arent good enough and ransacks the city archives for info on silent hill, gets arrested, gets one cops backstory and his history with silent hill, and then gets sent home!

BACK TO THE STUPID MOTHER! She reunites with the cop who FINALLY stopped taking her stupid pills and lets the mother go saying that something is up with the town… gee… YA THINK? They get attacked by a bunch of bugs, pyramid head, and that corpse from the bathroom… then they all vanish and the town goes back to falling ash and stuff… they then go to a hotel where they meet… someone whose name I don’t give a shit about at this point, and they take her with them finding a picture drawn by the mothers daughter pointing them to a room in the hotel, they find the room behind a painting, in the room they discover a giant metal ring with a symbol on it and the girl they picked up talks about it and then the mother spots, *gasp* someone who looks like her daughter! Yeah… its not that simple lady so don’t get your hopes up… she makes it to the girl who literally burts into flames. After that the siren goes off again and they ake a break for a church, why a church? I dunno, but they do, but not before pyramid head shows up and, dead serious , rips the skin off the girl they had with them, this should have been a scary moment… but its not… its stupid… I mean he literally picks her up, grabs her, and rips her entire skin layer off… *sighs* ok so we get an explination sorta that so long as they remain in the church they are safe, so natuarly they have NO problem leaving the safety of the church and taking the mother to the hospital where they claim the evil lives, once there it is discovered that the mother is the mother of ‘the witch’ and they immedietly try to capture her accusing her of bringing evil with her or something… the cop SUDDENLY decides to do her fucking job and saves the mother from them but in the process gets caught herself, while that’s happening the mother makes her way into the hospital to find a necrophiliacs wet dream, a hallway filled with disfigured nurses who start killing each other trying to kill the mother… yeah… this ‘evil’ isnt very smart… it makes it so none of its minons can see… isnt that… kinda dumb?

So FINALLY over an hours worth of waiting, now we can finally find out whats been causing all this trouble, I’m sure its some scary reason like the town is haunted by the people who died, or it’s a gateway to hell or SOMETHING, right? Wrong, it turns out in this hospital room theres, get this, a patient… a living patient… whose attended by a nurse whose face we cant see, and whats the reasoning behind it? The town was in habited by puritans, or witch hunters, who saw this little girl so many years ago a witch because she was born out of wedlock, so they tried to burn her alive, as a result the grate they tied her to fell and the coal they had hung her over set the whole town on fire… yeah… wheres the fire department? and heres where that OTHER cop comes in he came in and saved the girl and burned his hands in the process, so he knows whats going on and is too much of a dick to tell anyone else! Fucker… As for the weird town theres this evil spirit that came to the girl and claimed she would make them pay so she trapped all the survivors in the town and transferred them into a nightmare they couldn’t escape or something like that… so the mother asked what she has to do with this and I guess… her daughter was the daughter of the girl they tried to burn (don’t ask me how) and they want to ‘purify’ her to make the evil go away, the mother asks what she can do to stop this and the evil spirit… hugs… her… what, the, FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? *deep breath*

ok so, the mother goes back to the church to find her daughter tied to a ladder about to be lowered into the firre they started in the church and the cops body burned to a cinder on another one already lowered, the mother tries to tell them how fucking retarded this plot is and gets stabbed for it and somehow because she was stabbed the evil spirit was finally able to enter the church and finish killing them all, and then… the only other scary moment in this movie occurs… the bed that the girl was in come up out of the gourp surrounded by barbed wire, begins to tie up and rip everyone apart with it, and grabs the leading putitian eagle spreads her in the air and the barbed wire goes up between her legs before ripping her apart too… ok im just gunna wrap this up… every dies but the mother, daughter, and the crazy lady from ealier because she was the girls mother blah blah blah, the mother and daughter go to their vehicle, the road returns and they drive away only to find everywhere they go is just as dark and misted as silent hill, their phone doesn’t work, and no one else can be found anywhere… they go into their house and sit down and suddenly the father sees the door open, looks around and closes the door, but cant see his wife and child… which is odd… they just stopped the puritians from killing people AND got rid of the evil spirit… why leave them trapped? That’s really showing how thankful you are! Oh well fuck it, NEXT REVIEW!